A duck walks into a bar *************************** Later that day the homeless man had duck for dinner.

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Neil Armstrong was the first man to WALK on the MOON. And Michael Jackson was a child molester.

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Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven's bigger.

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What would you do if I jumped down your throat when you were talking? That would never happen, as it's impossible to even climb into somebody's mouth.

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A man walks into a bar. He hits his head and dies.

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Knock knock Whose there? Nobody Nobody who? ......................................

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What do you call an old man who took too much viagra? And ambulance, because he could possibly get a heart attack from the fluctuations in blood pressure

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There once was a man from Nantucket who lost most of his savings by making bad investment decisions.

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Why didn't the Mexican dwarf eat his taco? Well, he actually started, but his stomach was not big enough to finish. So, he gave half to his friend who gladly accepted the free meal.

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Why did the clown go to the doctor? Because he had a malignant tumor on his liver.

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What did the Jew get for Christmas? Nothing

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What happened when the young child fell off of the swing? He broke open his head causing him to be sent to the hospital for 3 weeks.

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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship. One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm. He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on! The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my white flag!"

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A man walked into a bar. Ouch! He tripped over the little step at the entrance. But don't worry, he's not hurt, it just startled him for a second there. They should put a caution sign out front, somebody might get a serious injury. You can never be too safe, after all.

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Why didn't the little boy hear the ice cream truck? He was deaf.

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Q: What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde? A: Whereas intelligent blondes are known to exist, most scientists discount the existence of Bigfoot and consider it to be a combination of folklore, misidentification, and hoax, rather than a living animal, in part because of the large numbers thought necessary to maintain a breeding population.

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Why did Dan fall of his bicycle? Because somebody threw a refrigerator at him.

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Why did the man look in the mirror? To see his reflection.

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How do you choke a lawyer? You squeeze his neck until he stops breathing.

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How do you help a chronic drug addict? Buy him or her more drugs. They NEED it.

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Roses are Red, Violets are Blue I have ADD Check out this flashlight!

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A man walks into a bar with a chicken on his head the bartender asks the man why do you have a chicken on your head the man replies the chicken is thirsty

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What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper. No. A nun with a terrible nosebleed. Nobody ever reads the whole newspaper.

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What's worse than a bee sting? A large number of things ranging from getting stung by two bees to falling off a cliff.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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