SCENE: A prirate walks into a bar with the wheel of the ship attached to his pants. BARTENDER: Doesn't that hurt? PIRATE: Aye! It drives me nuts.

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how do you scare a mexican? You dress up as a bar of soap.

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So a man walks into a bar, asks for a beer, then drinks it. He then goes home expecting to have dinner with his wife and 2 kids. His wife smells his breath before that and asks him what happens. The men opens to his true and only love and tells her he's having a bad time at work. So they share a hug and talk about it. The man is then renewed, starts pulling up at his job and gets a promotion to general supervisor. He lives happily and watches his kids grow and become professionals. He then dies of a heart attack at the advanced age of 89 while he was watching his favorite TV show.

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A man walks into a bar. He is followed by a chicken, 2 donkeys, a tiger, 7 cardinals, 3 horses, 11 chipmunks, and 2 squirrels. And they all lived happily ever after. THE END

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A. THERE'S SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE B. WHAT?!? *PUNCH* A. IT WAS PAINNNNNNNNN

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A duck flew calmly through the air and landed softly on a beautiful lake, where he was then shot for trespassing.

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Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me 3 times, oh now you're just being a jerk

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hey i just met you and this is crazy i just had bath salts your face looks tasty!

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Q: Billy has 47 pieces of cake, he eats 38. What does he have left? A: Diabetes

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how do you wake up lady gaga? you set her alarm for the intended time

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3 men are walking down a dirt path. One is a retired member of the US Air Force. The other of the Marines. The last one of the Navy. They are arguing about why their respective section of the military is the best. They lose track of where they're going and fall off of a cliff onto the spinning propeller of a US Coast Guard helicopter.

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more chocolate?

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What did the black man say to the other black man? We both share the same ethnicity

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knock knock who's there? F uck F uck who? F uck off

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because it lacked the requisite musculature to facilitate locomotion

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A duck walks up to a lemonade stand. He didn't say anything because ducks can't talk.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't because crossing through traffic is very dangerous

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Why is Macaroni Boy so Cool Because He's not

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Gangnam style

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What do accountants do when they're constipated? Take a laxative and eat plenty of fiber.

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Why did the boy fall of his BMX? Because someone threw a dish-washer at him.

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What's worse than being forced to drink your own urine and eat a disabled kids poop? James Holmes (Ironic that the text I had to type in to post this was "I'M BATMAN".)

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Friends are like lettuce; If you eat their head, they die

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Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first one.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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