News of the day - David gives back 2 pounds to someone. The police, as he stole from a old nana to pay for a toothbrush

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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship. One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm. He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on! The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my white flag!"

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i dont care if you rate me or not

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three mexicans walk into a bar... the bartender says get the fuck out!

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Why does Charlie Sheen do cocaine? Because his father was a poor role model and he's an unstable celebrity.

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What's the difference between a Lawyer and a hooker? Job description, income, and an incredibly large list of other things.

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A guy walks up to a girl and says: " hey can I have your number so can I have your text you later?" she says " no" he says " why ?" she says" guess" He says " look if you don't like me thats okay, " he gets up and walks away, turns out she doesn't have a cell phone, she was gonna give him her house number to call.

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Roses are Red, Violets are Blue I hi Jacked your car And killed your family

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what did the cashier do when a Mexican robbed the store? call the police

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How do you get clean dishes? You wash them.

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Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? The people who were in charge of that decision.

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Knock,Knock Who's there? Afro Circus Ya get the fuk off my property!

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Want to hear a joke? No.

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Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven!

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What's the difference between a person and a cow? 2% of their DNA. The other 98% is virtually identical.

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your know what grinds my gears? when I throw my car into park while going 90 on the highway.

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Why did the boy fall off the swing? Because he had no arms. Why'd he fall off again? Because we put him back on.

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A cat jumped into a swimming pool It drowned and was cremated.

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Pickup line: Hey babe, do you work at a grocery store? Because I wanna spill some milk on the floor so they can call spill on aisle 9 and I'll be there waiting for you and watch you clean my mess.

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what does a beer and a priest have in common? They both are cold refreshing beverages, except for the priest.

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Man 1- What's red, black, and white all over? Man 2- What? Man 1- Half a penguin! Man 2 became seriously disturbed from this joke, as he saw the movie Happy Feet two days ago. He went to intense therapy and became mentally deranged.

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mom and dad went into the bedroom after a long day at work the fell asleep

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The way I see it, there are two types of people. Some are female and some a male.

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Q: What did the gun say to the person. A: Bang.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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