How are elephants and plumbs the same? A: They are both purple, except for the elephant.

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What happens when a women becomes pregnant? She gives birth to a child 9 months later.

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what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? a stick

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c:

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What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?

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So there's this Norwegian monk who grows carrots. He is world renowned for his carrots. They are known to be the juiciest, most delicious carrots on the face of the earth. He spends a large amount of his time in his garden, caring for his carrots. Well one day, while he is in said garden caring for his carrots, a theif jumps over the fence and steals 2 carrots. He looks up and makes eye contact with the monk, almost as if to say "hey... i've got your carrots". He then quickly turns and starts to break for the fence, which is now a considerable distance away as the garden doesn't start until a few hundred feet into the fence line. While the monk is a man of peace, he is not going to let some thief just waltz in and start stealing his carrots. These are, after all, the best carrots in the world. So the monk starts to give chase, but only 200 feet into the chase the monk is out of breath. The monk cannot run. So the monk starts getting in shape, practicing his 400 meter dash. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And he becomes so good, that he becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in sprinting. The next day, he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and a thief jumps over the same spot in the fence, runs to the same patch of carrots, and again takes 2 carrots. Only 2. "This must be the same thief" thinks the monk (as all the mannerisms are exact matches). "He's not getting my carrots this time" - the monk well knowing he is the monk champion in sprinting. So the thief turns to make a break for the fence, but the monk gives steady chase. He is not far behind when the thief gets to the fence, and he simply leaps over. The monk is stuck. He can't jump. So the monk starts practicing hurdles.. hour after hour, day after day, weak after week. He becomes so good at hurdling that he becomes the monk champion that year in hurdles. The next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when of course, the same thief jumps over the fence, and takes TWO CARROTS. He again looks the monk in the eyes, almost as to say "I will steal your carrots forever monk". So the monk gives chase. He is gaining pretty well on the thief.. I mean.. he was monk champion earlier that year in sprinting. As they get to the fence the thief jumps over, and looks behind him with a smirk. But to his surprise, the monk hurdles over the fence with the greatest of ease. The monk is really gaining on the thief now. They run through the forest, the monk so ready to finally catch his thief, and put his questions to bed. Now just 20 or 30 feet behind the monk, they come to the lake behind the monks house. Monk can't swim. So the monk starts taking swimming lessons, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and he actually becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in Monk swimming. So the next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when the SAME THIEF jumps over the fence and takes TWO CARROTS. They exchange eye contact and the chase begins. They run, they jump, they run, and then come to the lake. The thief jumps in and starts swimming away, but this time... well THIS TIME the monk is RIGHT BEHIND the thief. The thief is practicing breast stroke, while the monk utilizes dolphin swim. They make their way out of the lake, the monk now just steps behind the thief as they come to the mountain. MONK CAN'T MOUNTAIN CLIMB. So the monk starts practicing mountain climibing. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and you know what. He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in mountain climbing!!! So the next day the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when as expected, the same thief jumps over the fence, steals two carrots. Always two. It is clear now to the monk that, the thief could hold more carrots, and he's obviously physically fit.. why not take more? Two carrots alone cannot feed a family, or generate significant profit. It is this question most which bothers the monk. Why always two? Eager to have his question answer the chase ensues, and they run, and they jump, and they swim, and they run some more to the base of the mountain, the monk now just steps behind the thief. As the thief makes his way up the mountain, he pretentiously looks behind him with a smirk, only to realize the monk is now an arms reach behind him! As they reach the summit, the monk FINALLY GRABS THE THIEF. Ready for some answers he flips the thief around. And as he does the thief judo chops the monk. MONK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT!? So the monk starts practicing karate, hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And guess what. He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in karate?!?! Simply amazing, all that this monk has accomplished. So the next day, the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and the same thief jumps over the fence, as always, takes two carrots, as always, and begins to break for the fence. The chase is on, and the monk is ready for answers. They run, they jump, they swim, they run some more, they mountain climb, and at the summit, the monk again GRABS the thief and flips him around! The thief, in a display of desperation, DOUBLE JUDO CHOPS the monk, but the monk, crafty now in karate, blocks both chops and swiftly leg sweeps the thief to the ground. It is done. The thief is on the ground, the monk standing over him breathing heavy, comes down to one knee, and grabs the thief by the shirt, and pulls his back off the mountain so that their eyebrow lines meet, in a stare which can be compared to that of Arnold himself. The monk says to the thief "I don't care who you are... I don't care where you are from... just tell me why. Why always two carrots!? What are you doing, that you always need... TWO... CARROTS?!?". The thief now realizing his days of carrot thievery are over, complies with the monks wishes. He says to the monk "ok. I will tell you. But. This is so embarrassing. My actions with these carrots so unthinkable. The deeds so unimaginable... you have to promise never to tell anyone!" And the monk never did.

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Why couldnt the man stop dancing? He had Parkinson's.

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two peanuts walked into a bar they both sat down and immediately left once they found out the bar was serving peanuts.

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Why did people run from the chicken? Because they didnt want to get bit by the chicken

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What did the deaf-blind kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas? Cancer.

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What did Sally get for chirstmas? Cancer

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you know why they're called ear wigs, right? cause they go in your ears! then they wig out? no, they kill you.

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How do you kill a squirrel? Take the jaws of life. Rip it in half. And suck on the organs.

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Yo momma's so fat that when she asked the doctor, he said she could have such bad cardiovascular problems if yo mamma keep the typical sedentary habits, wich consist in a diet with a lots of fat and sugar, the lack of physical exercise and genetical characterists which make a person get fatter more easily.

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Ok so, we have bread , tofu, coolwhip

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Did you hear the one about the koala bear that fell out of the tree? Yeah it died.

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If a man shouts in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? He could be, he could not be. It really depends on what he says. The greater concern is that he's shouting alone in the forest. Either he's in trouble or he has a major psychology disorder.

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Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? A. Matt

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Two frogs go to the bar only to leave because frogs can't open up doors.

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How did i get from Pakistan to Iraq Iran

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A guy named John wanted to finish his life. Now he is dead

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what do call a car full of people on the side of the road? a cool explosion waiting to happen

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Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He didn't believe in santa.

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To those of you which it may concern: Members of The Former Order of Neronism, read this, unless you decipher this code within a week, you will not be allowed entrance to our new order, and warn your friends too lazy to read this expecting some kind last words about the man you allowed to die, that those that get trough our gates and do not have the code, will be brought out after facing execution for treason, and that since I am a fair man, I could not give less of a shit, if you are a doctor, a criminal a nurse, white, black, yellow and so on, the world is already a better place without you, but since I can be generous, I will wait until your life expires by such things as natural means, if you have the code memorized by then. I might even order that you be tortured to death, it depends of what my men and women want to, after all, you where never under my command, and I believe I have not seen a single one of you before. This is the new order of Neronism, first and foremost remember that our former leader enjoyed writing these messages within these small boxes, keeping comments short and with proper space in order to make things even easier for us all... ...I say that if you cannot at least prove your dedication to which Nero7 already ill, was caught and tortured to death, by reading these comments which i will write as I FUCKING PLEASE! Then you are worth nothing, and already are simply ungrateful scum that cannot even heed the memory, of the man that gave EVERYTHING without expecting anything back, so read on, or make sure we never, ever see you again, this as you will if recognized, be executed, or even worse for your betrayal and cowardice. As you might notice, I am nothing personality wise like Nero7, this as I was chosen as his successor by him personally, because I follow and share if only a bit of his vision, and all of his words, but not his ideals, as the downfall of the order and the death of our leader, has proven what he suspected, that this is not a world with room for idealistic views and ideas. I will remind you of this again, but Nero7 was your leader, I on the other hand, am your ruler, your despot, your emperor and I will only be fair, if you follow me and the council set to my disposal, you are free to ask questions, and free to leave if you do not like the answers, then you where simply not worthy and like those that led to the fall of the old order, nothing but a waste of space and time, you will not be remembered, not even in shame, but simply go back to the world from which you came... ...The one where you where, and will remain forgotten, by this, you do in your own way us, and the world a favor, not out of the kindness of your heart, but because you are worthless to all, and know that we would gladly execute you, if you where worth the time and effort. The old order is dead, this is the new order, I am for now to be known as Neo-Nero, and my identity to be held secret. This with the intention of strengthening our new order, by weeding out those those of us that followed Nero7 with complete loyalty rather than those of you, the assholes that became better beings following his advice, by laughing behind his back. Keep this in mind if you desire to return, if I recognize you as those that took advantage of us, you, and your family will be executed without a thought, and just like you where as you came, you will be loved nor remembered not even in disgrace, by anyone. Those of you that can think, DO UNDERSTAND that Nero7 died because he desired an order of free will, and those that attended to his funeral, know that he understood that this was his undoing yet saw no alternative. I am not as lenient, not even close, your free choice is to join us and dedicate yourselves towards following Nero7`s ideals while accepting that this new order, is not idealistic in the least, we are neither pessimistic, we are realistic. ...Or never come back, knowing that if we ever see you again, you better run or face death, as we will not waste our time prosecuting you, but we will sure as hell break your skull if we see you walking on the street, as we will not remember you at all, but still recognize you. It is as Nero7 himself said: "If this is a world where our ideals cannot thrive, then we will learn from this experience and grow beyond it" While I am not saying that the order might not one day become something idealistic, I am saying that it is up to us to MAKE THESE IDEALS REAL OURSELVES, and not to "hope" that our former ideals work out, as hope alone, is for the weak and worthless! So you can like many others, put your goddamn arms together and pray for a fucking change, or GET THE FUCK UP AND MAKE A CHANGE YOURSELVES! I and the council are composed of those that where ever loyal to Nero7, the rest of you are to hold your heads down in shame, and know that you will be given the chance to redeem yourselves, but my rule will be strict and harsh, if only for those that foolishly return without the will or dedication to follow the remains of the wisdom left by our former leader. As Nero was your leader, I am your ruler, your despot, your emperor, your lord and master, treat me well and you shall thrive, improve your own lives while laughing at me behind your back as you did towards Nero7, and I will personally murder you, and whatever family you might have, in the opposite order, and I will make you watch, and remind you that this is only fair, as hundreds of thousands of your kin and your betters, died because of your lack of loyalty and your selffish desire to take advantage of the man that literally gave everything for you... ...If I was not honor bound and actually shared Nero7`s desire of making a better world, something which he did, I would have each and every one of you tracked down and killed, the thing is, that if had allowed hate alone to drive me, none of you would be alive by now, so consider yourselves lucky, lucky to have me as your RULER! ...Lucky to be given the second chance, few, and maybe none of you deserve, I expect you to prove me wrong when I say that our order shall rise beyond the power of the old one, but this thanks to those that where loyal, and to those that are loyal and have joined us as we speak, and none of you part of the old idealistic order. "I believe that following my ideals might one day prove to be our undoing, as recent events are leading us towards the belief, that this world is not one with room for idealistic beliefs at all, but for now, let us at least enjoy the benefits that these ideals allow us, and if we are wrong, we will hopefully live long enough to keep adapting, learning from our bad experiences, and keep adapting and moving forward" -Nero7. NO MORE IDEALS! THE ONLY FREEDOM YOU HAVE LEFT, IS TO CHOSE TO RETURN, OR TO BOW IN SHAME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! THIS FOR THE PRICE PAID FOR YOUR DISGUSTING ACTIONS AND LACK OF RESPECT AND LOYALTY TO THE MAN THAT GAVE EVERYTHING FOR US... ...He was your leader, our leader... I AM YOUR EMPEROR, AND IF YOU WISH YOU HAD A LEADER... THEN REMEMBER, LET IT BE BURNED IN YOUR MIND FOR ALL ETERNITY, THAT YOU HAD ONE AND ALLOWED HIM TO DIE! So if you cannot handle the fact that all you are left me is me, a man hopefully proving Nero7 right as he believed me his equal, by carrying if but a mere fraction of his wisdom as far as I see. Then I tell you again, bow down in shame, grovel before my feet and beg me for a second chance of a life worth living, because I am what remains because of all of you! Hundred thousand of your equals and those of greater worth than you where all executed by fucking rogue Spetznas during two fucking weeks! You called me, us and Nero7 for paranoid lunatics all while taking advantage of his sound advice using it, improving your own lives, while giving nothing back, not even as much as a sign of gratitude. ...Now again, face what this led towards, and bow down in shame for what this led us all to, but at least those of us which have risen again, did what we could in order to follow his wisdom, we also showed the gratitude he never even asked us for, and allowed his "paranoiac insanity" to guide us... ...If you had done the same, we would have been prepared. You might believe I am angry, and yes I am, but I am saying this not out of anger, but because it is the undeniable truth, and because this new order, will of course accept those of you that dare return to make mistakes trying to do what is right for our kind, as many as you need as nobody is perfect. But if you do the mistake of failing to follow the rules we have set on, if you do this on purpose, you will be executed by me personally. I will remind you again and again, you lost your chance to follow the guidance of the man with the literal steel fist, so now you will maybe be able to SUBMIT and BEG FOR FORGIVENESS BEFORE THE MAN THAT SHALL RULE WITH AN IRON FIST! Again... Unhappy with the lack of options? Don't come back, but never forget that you are ALL personally responsible for the death of our greatest hope. You do not know me, and I do not know most of you, my identity to be kept secret, but for now, you shall call me by the name of Neo-Nero, part of the Nero7`s elected elite known as the Shadows, "elite" if nothing else because we where, and are loyal to his vision of a better world, in which he much succeeded, and would have done so much more, if more had been like us, "Shadows". "Neo-Nero" Former second in command of the "Shadows" and now leader of The Law Of The Shadows. -"Golgo13" -"Justice2 -"Marcus" You and your troops either fled or never showed up at all, know that you and all the troops under your command could have made all the difference, but you never showed up, as such you, and whatever family you might have, will be found, and killed, so if you wonder where your little coward buddies are, they are probably enduring extreme torture at the hands of my men, begging that we give them the sweet release of death. ...And that this is your first and last chance for you, and those under your command to off yourselves, saving yourselves and your family and even friends, from torture... ...And of course my men from the hassle of knowing that the end of your existence, has already made this world a better place, as you these whose screams of agony and anguish fill these halls, are suffering and will do so for days to come, but at least their families are simply grieving for the scum they where unlucky or stupid enough to love... ...Now please be human and suicide, I mean you would not want for your family and close friends to suffer with you right? I mean the sound made me vomit earlier, but then I simply enjoy it, knowing that they deserve it, and I admit that I dread hearing the screams of your families which do not deserve the same treatment, and as thus I will solve this, by leaving the fortress as they suffer, you on the other hand will not only hear them, but also see them. I look forward for the rest of you returning, you will not be harmed, unless you are part of those that never showed up of course, especially Major6`s unit, which whose leader was tasked with the first line assault, as he did not show up, he forced a already ill, feverish Nero7 to lead the first assault, the rest you are all aware off... ...Worry not though, as "major6" himself greets all traitors with screams louder than the rest, have you ever seen and been able to withstand the sight of a man with all of his limbs cut and then wounds cauterized, been whipped while staring at a tape of his loving family? Me neither, I ended up throwing up as I mentioned earlier, but two hundred thousand members, and even their family and children where killed by rogue ex Spetznas, so as far as I can see... ...I my actions might seem harsh, but I am merely doing what is fair and just, we wont bring his family, off yourself so we wont have to bring yours, because believe me when I say that we will if we have to, you see, many here are enjoying this, and these people will be of good use and experience a great future here for all of those that stand against us today. As a final note: Our adversaries are all eliminated, these ex Spetsnaz are no more, in fact most of them where bigot skinheads too... We learned much about torture thanks to those of them which surrendered, nothing lost without something gained... ...Again. Neo-Nero, your emperor has spoken. We will all begin using the system used by the Shadows to communicate from now on, my words might be considered... Somewhat unsuitable for the faint of heart... Well not these, these are modest, generous and kind, and if nothing else simply just, and while I intend to keep being just... ...I am just getting started.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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