how do you make the president cry ?? shoot his family !!

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Why did the boy cross the road Because he needed to get to the bus stop

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A bar walks into a bar, it is then you realize you are in an alternate dimension.

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A sick patient asks a doctor, "will i be able to play my guitar?" The doctor replies, "of course you will be able to". "Good because that is my only form of income", says the patient.

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Why did the jelly baby go to school? Because he was brought up in a middle class background and wanted a full education to further his future career

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There was a peice of lasagna. He knew he tasted great. So he constantly feared for his life.

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Chapter 1 Once upon a time there were two little kids named Jesse and Mary Sue. They were brother and sister. Their mom and dad had divorced years ago. And their dad now was seeing someone else. She was cruel to them behind their father’s back. She said if they got married, she would make their life’s miserable from the moment she said I do”. One day their dad called them into his room. When they got in there he told them to sit on the bed, then he said “there’s going to be a new member in the family and a lot of changes too. What I’m trying to say is I’m getting married”. “What”, they said. "Quite the surprise isn’t it?" said their father. Father you can’t it’ll ruin our family tree said Jesse. Well I’m sorry kids but I love her, before their father could say anything more they ran out of the house and let the door slam behind them. Chapter 2 After walking a while, they finally stopped and realized they were a long way from home in a part of the neighborhood they had never seen before. There were fairies as beautiful as princesses’ birds with the rainbow colors on their feathers all different kinds of animals, beautiful butterflies and the most unexpected fairies they thought they’d only see fairies in there Fairy Tale books. It soon became dark, Jesse and Mary Sue had fallen asleep on a rock. When Jesse and Mary Sue woke up in the morning, they saw that all the animals were lying next to them. After they’d been there a while the animals bird and fairies started asking how they found their way there. The children told the truth, they said they’d gotten mad that their father was getting married to a women they didn’t like so they ran away and when they stopped they were there. After telling them that the animals said they were glad they found their way because now they had someone to play with. Then they introduced the princess of the fairies, her name was Patty. Her dad, the king of the fairies, called her Patty the Pooh. She was very pretty, she had short Blonde hair with a crown made out of gold and an outfit fit for a princess. The princess said she had good news, one of the fairies was going to have a baby fairy. Everyone congratulated her. Then she went on, we found out a few weeks ago but we didn’t want to jinx it. Everyone congratulated her again and went to bed. The next morning she had the baby. She decided to name her Julia. When she turned one and was able to walk Jesse and Mary Sue were still there. It was Saturday when Jesse and Mary Sue were about to leave and then they heard a familiar voice and decided to stay for another night. Chapter 3 Early in the morning the next day, they heard it again so they got out of bed to see were it was coming from, but on there way out of Fairyland, they woke up. Julia liked to go on adventures so, of course, she wanted to come with them. So the three went to see were the voice was coming from, they followed the voice to a cave and peeked inside. Jesse and Mary Sue could not believe what they saw. It was their step mom, she was talking to someone but they weren’t sure whom it was. Julia knew who it was. Mary Sue and Jesse asked Julia who their step-mom was talking to. It’s the demon, she replied, he has a son too. When he gets older he’ll do what his dads doing, His dad is very evil. Years ago everybody in fairyland challenged him. They said whoever won got the land and the other person had to go some were else. And the demon lost so he had to move out here. But why would our step-mom be talking to him that sounds really weird. Maybe she’s a demon too, said Jesse. No I don’t think that could happen, said Julia, but maybe because nobody knows who's the little demons mother. Julia continued, we have to get home and warn daddy, Mary Sue said. Chapter 4 So the next morning they told everyone they had to go, they had to go warn their dad. So they said their goodbyes and were off but then Julia’s mom stopped them and asked if they would take Julia with them, they said they would and then her mom continued, it would be the biggest adventure she ever had. Then Julia thanked her mom and her mom thanked Jesse and Mary Sue and then they told them they would be back soon and then they left fairyland. Now Julia knew this was going to be the biggest adventure she ever had because she’d never been this far out of fairyland before and she was excited. Jesse and Mary Sue told her that when they were at their house she has to hide and Julia agreed. So when they arrived, Julia did as she was told and hid behind a plant in the living room. In their father’s room they were telling him about who they had seen and were they had seen her, of course, their father, who found this a little hard to believe, welcomed them with open arms but then said I think you two are sick. Come and lay down a while. Dad! They both said we’re not sick, we really saw her. How could you if she was right here by me the whole time you were gone. The only time she left was when she went to the store and got groceries. We don’t under stand, where is she now she went to get groceries. Fairyland! They both said at the exacted same time. They both ran out the door with Julia following behind them but this time their dad followed them, hoping he would find out what was going on. As soon as they got there and the dad had a chance to catch up he asked them what was going on, they said that they would explain again later. Then they went to the cave were they had seen her but she wasn’t there. Now their father was beginning to think this was all a joke. When he saw their step mom and his future wife, she was coming out of a secret passage in the cave. Then all four of them went back to the fairies and asked them if they knew about it. The fairy’s said no except one. He said he’d been trying to find out what was Chapter 5 The door then opened and Mary Sue clinched onto Jesse’s hand so hard it was turning red, the pass way looked like fairyland except there were no fairies. Then! They saw it a golden door but it had a keyhole. Where would they find a key that big, they were puzzled so they sat down to think. Then they all decided to go back to fairyland but when they said the magic password someone they had not been warned about spotted them. He grabbed them by they’re arms and made them walk with him, they tried to escape but he wouldn’t let go. He was the demon’s companion his name was Alfred but everyone called him Al. He took them to the demon who was being carried on a mattress and all he was doing was eating grapes and giving all the girls he’s phone number, not very impressive if you ask me. Then finally after stuffing a handful of grapes in he’s mouth he said I thought you’d be coming here soon after I saw you two spying on me and that kind lady I was talking to. "She's our step mom and she’s not kind at all." I never knew kids could be so rude to someone who truly loves them, take them away, take them away said the demon I can’t stand them any longer. Jesse, Mary Sue and they’re Father were handcuffed to a shelf in a closet. Julia was locked in a cage in the corner of the closet but you couldn’t see her because a shirt was covering her. "Maybe there’s a secret hiding place the Demon puts a key in to unlock and lock the door", "Good idea." Julia said. Mary Sue started looking for a piece of wood that would come out of the wall with the one hand that wasn’t handcuffed. Soon it was late and she still hadn’t found anything and in no time she fell asleep along with her brother, her dad and Julia. In the morning when Mary Sue woke up she accidentally hit the wall when she was stretching. Hey guys, I think I found something she said. It was a loose board, when the board fell out there was a big key behind it. This looks like a key for something very important I’ll put it in my pocket. I think I know what that important thing is, let’s go. Chapter 6 So they went back to where they had last seen the demon and again found him laying down being feed grapes by all the girls. When they saw him they said we know your plan and we have the key you hid in the room you locked us in "but I have a spare, did you actually think I’d put the key in the same room I locked you in with out a spare", said the demon. While the demon was talking Julia had came up with an idea of her own and was already starting it. She slipped behind the demon and knocked the key out of his hand. "Actually I did" she said just catching the key in her hand and now that I have both keys your plan is history she added and “we’re off to save fairyland”. Not so fast said the demon, "did you really think I’d fall for that too?" as two guards stepped out from behind the bushes. They were tall demons even taller then the demon and himself. Julia, Mary sue, Jesse and their father all ran as fast as they could, then they saw a cave and ran but it didn’t take to long for the guards to sniff them out, they came running after them. Then Julia, Jesse, his sister and their dad saw a waterfall, they took their only chance and jumped with a deep breath, but of course Julia flew. When they landed, they swam to the surface and realized they were back where they started at the big door. They put the key in and all the sudden the demon came but they opened the door and they hurried in, before the demon could catch them. Then all the sudden they know what to do, they said the magic words which were “open pass way” and then they picked a magic flower and put it in the pot they saw in the middle of the room and the flower turned into a liquid which they poured on the demon, his son which turned them into who they where before. The demon was the fairy prince, his son was a normal kid and the guards were mice. As for they’re step mom well this effected her too she came out as a kind lady and said hi I’m sorry if was mean to you before the demon which is now the fairy prince had me under a evil spell, they all forgave her. microwave

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What did the Engineer say to the English major? Hey we went to the same school and got different degrees! Cool!

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Why couldn't the 14 year old find a date? Because he had a speech impediment and girls avoided him usually.

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Why did the young boy say "Fuck"? He has Tourrete's

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What did the Ethiopian eat for dinner? Nothing

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John:Why couldn't the T-Rex clay his hands? Billy:Because his arms are too small! John:no he's extinct dumbass

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What do you get when you kill a black man? The death penalty.

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What is a bear's favorite televison show? It doesnt have one because it is a bear which makes watching television an illogical fallacy.

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what did the ruler say to the other ruler your a ruler

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How come Pluto and Goofy are both dogs, but Goofy can talk and Pluto can't? Goofy sold Pluto into slavery in exchange for the power of human speech.

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A man with tourettes walks into a bar, due to his disease he shouts unexpected profanities across the room; everybody in the bar bursts into laughter. The man cannot handle the pressure anymore and goes home. He opens a drawer in his bedroom and pulls out a gun and points it at his head. HIs wife of 15 years walks in on him about to commit suicide. She is horrified. He then looks at her and then down, and notices his one and only daughter by the age of 7 is by her side. The man ponders his reckless decision he was about to conceive. Moments later he and his family are holding one another sobbing in each others arms. A few days later the man diagnosed with touretts then goes back to the bar and shoots everybody there. After he killed everybody he curled up into a ball and regretted his decision. An hour later the police arrived and he was sentanced to life in prison for 3rd degree murder. His wife moved on and started a new family with his former best friend, and his daughter vists him every first tuesday of every other month. The man with touretts still cannot control his ticks and rots in jail everyday screaming obscenities for the rest of his life with no parole.

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How many jews can you fit in a car? However many seats there are

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Why do you never hit a black man with your car? Because that's vehicular homicide.

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tried to think of a great "anti-joke" not creative enough

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What begins with "F" and ends in "uck"? There are multiple words or words that begin with "F" and end in "uck." So you dont need me to tell you, be creative.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? it didn't it was being sexually abused by its father.

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What did the priest say to the nun? ... I don't know, I wasn't there.

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why did the baby cross the road? i stapled his head to a chicken!

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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