What is the quickest way to speed up your 70 year old husband’s heart rate? Extract of foxglove is a very effective blocker of the parasympathetic nervous system, and since the parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for slowing the heart, this would lead to an increase in heart rate. However, it is very dangerous to use such chemicals without advice, and therefore it is better to seek an examination and, if necessary, a prescription from a qualified GP.

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What's red, loose, and easy to wear? A rock. I lie about everything.

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What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead baby? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

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What is black and hangs from a white supremacists tree? His kids tire swing.

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what was the dinosaur after it got out of the pool? wet

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Q: how do you get a live elephant into a refrigerator? A: you buy an industrial sized refrigerator from cost-co and then walk the elephant slowly but surely through the door. Q: how do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator? A: after removing the elephant by means of walking out the door, slice the giraffe into small pieces approx. 1m by 1m by 1m and put those into the refrigerator

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19th amendment

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What do you get when you rape a dead baby filled with jalapeños? A lifetime in prison, and a burning penis.

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Is your refrigerator running? If so, you are on drugs, and should see help.

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Your so fat that you have a 75% chance increase of dying from congenital heart failure.

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what looks about a computer which has two wheels? a bike. i lied about the computer...

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Gestapo.

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Josh Groban, John Mayer, Ben Folds and Nick Cave are at an underground club that specialises in lithuanian folk music and siberian vodka. end of story

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What is pink and fluffy? Pink Fluff.

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"I want a boyfriend for these cold winter nights" ... Shut up you slut go buy a blanket.

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how do u stop a cat from peeing on the floor? Kill it... haha

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I have read and agree to the Terms of Service

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Do you work at subway? Because you are giving me a footlong. Yes, please, on white bread, with turkey, ham, white cheddar, and all of the vegetables. Maybe a little bit of sweet onion sauce and sub sauce. Sure, that will be a combo with chips. Thank you very much.

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69

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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he died...

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Why do catholic priests enjoy the company of boys? Because they must remain celibate and cannot have children of their own.

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A man walks into the doctors and he says to the doctor 'my leg hurts when I poke it like this'. The doctor replies 'don't poke it like that then'.

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What is a panda bear? A bear with black and white fur.

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Q: What happens when your name is Gretchen Weiner? A: You can never make "fetch" happen.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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Anti-Joke Chicken

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