Alan Davies definitely didn't come up with this- I remember finding it hilarious about 10 years ago

a girl with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach when a very attractive man walks by and notices she is crying. The man says, "whats wrong" the girl says, "i have never kissed someone, so the the man kisses her and asks if shes ok now, she says no, he asks whats wrong again, she sais, " i've never made out with someone before". so when the man is done making out he asks if shes alright now, she sais no, he once again asks whats wrong, she sais, "ive never been fucked before" so the man picked her up threw her into the water and sais, now youre fucked!"