- Anti Joke

Dave Antliver was a longtime employee at the local dairy farm. He had long, grey, scraggly hair and old, cracked, circular-framed glasses and a straw, cowboy-style hat. He disliked his job, milking cows, because it was very repetitive and boring. His co-workers were smelly, loud and obnoxious. They gave him his name after he accepted a 5-dollar dare to swallow a handful of ants. The only enjoyment he got out of his day involved hiding from his despised wife, Muggly, and writing in his journal. Mr. Antliver took shelter in the faded-grey shed behind the house, it was his sanctuary. It stank of cat piss and many flying insects such as bees, wasps and hornets made their nest inside the shed. Antliver would lie down on the dusty, wooden floor, hiding under an old, tattered tarp in the shed to hide from the insects. This was quite successful, since he had only been stung a few times. In his journal, he wrote about a better life, one where he could participate in sexual intercourse with a shiny, magnificent ceiling fan; it was his fetish, his erotic pleasure. He knew that if he ever found one, he would name her Salikas. He needed Salikas to be a large fan, however, as participating in his favorite sexual activity would require her to be the dominant one. Antliver dreamed of Salikas, she had five aluminum, oval-shaped blades and most importantly, hung four feet below the ceiling when she spun, spinning at about 140 rpm. Antliver knew that if he could have Rotational Intercourse with Salikas, he would leave his dirty wife for good. Mr. Antliver took a broken, green crayon from his pocket and traced out a picture of sex with Salikas in his journal. After five minutes, his illustration was complete. In the picture, Dave was sitting on top of one of Salikas's blades while she was spinning, high above the ground. His penis was wrapped around that same blade, with sperm flowing down the fan blade and some of it flying into the air. A tear flowed down Antliver's cheek as he felt a strong craving for Salikas, while his erection begged him to find her. He peeked out from under the tarp in the shed and saw rain dripping down the shed window. The cloudy sky crackled with thunder. Antliver cried and whined for a few minutes, drenching his overalls in tears. He was 58 years old and had not yet found the love of his life. He then became silent, as an idea came to mind: he would measure the shed to see if he could mount Salikas on the ceiling. He examined his drawing and estimated that Salikas would take up about 4-5 feet in height, and require a 10-foot diameter, horizontal circle of space. He rummaged through the pile of clutter on the floor, pushing aside flower pots, the garden hose, porn magazines and beer bottles until finally, he found the measuring tape. He stood up with ambition, knocking over the grey trash can. He extended the yellow tape, holding it against the sides of the shed wall, checking for the highest inch-mark on the tape. "137 inches," he muttered to himself. After thinking for a second, Antliver shouted through his 10 teeth: "Yes! Baby, I can bring ya home!" All he had to do now is find his darling, his beloved angel. But where? He lived out in the country and he knew of no hardware or appliance stores where he could buy ceiling fans. Although his wife was a dirty rat who did nothing for him but steal his whiskey, Antliver did remember her talking about the Amazon, which one could use on a computer to order a wide variety of products, and have them delivered to his house. He and his (current) wife didn't own a computer, as they were quite poor. She couldn't produce much money from scrubbing toilets at the local elementary school so they couldn't afford one. She once told him that he might be able to use the Amazon if he hadn't blown all their savings on alcohol. That was the reality then, but not anymore. Antliver had a plan, he would get his hands on a computer, no matter what it takes. He thought of the surrounding area: there was Juggy's house, Marv and Gorgus's house, but most importantly: Stalpus's house! Stalpus was a longtime friend of Dave's who got his name from "stale pus," but Antliver didn't know nor care what that meant. All that mattered is that Stalpus had a computer. It then dawned on Antliver, he would go to Stalpus's house and ask if he could use the computer for a while. Due to Antliver's alcohol addiction, there was no money left to fix the ancient beaten-up car he owned. After travelling down the dirt road for an hour and a half, Antliver arrived at his friend's house. He knocked on the door, and after 10 seconds, Stalpus showed up. "What'dya want, ol' Dave?" "Stalpus, I needa use yer computer," Antliver replied. "Yeh, okay, Dave, why'dya need it?" "I needa find ma wife," Antliver replied. Stalpus snickered and replied: "But Dave, she's at yer house, ya nitwit." "No she ain't not!" Antliver shot back, angrily. "Whoa, settle doon, Davey, ya can use ma computer ta find her." 10 minutes later, Stalpus was directing Antliver to the Amazon website. "How'd I find a ceiling fan?" Antliver asked. "Just type it in dat box over dere." Antliver typed in "ceiling fan" and pressed enter. A large number of ceiling fans were found, to his excitement. He browsed for a few minutes and came upon a huge, 9-foot wide industrial fan. "Salikas!" he screamed, "I found ya, my love!" Beside the "Add to Cart" option, the price glared at Antliver: 299.99$! "Aw damnit, deez rascals want ma money for ma wife! It's a randsome! Oh fuck, she's bein' held hostage! I gotta get her back!" "Calm down, ya dumb ass, " pleaded Stalpus. "Ya just gotta pay for her." "I don't got the cash!" Antliver angrily shouted back. "Listen, ya said you were lookin' fer yer wife, not some stupid fan!" mocked Stalpus. Antliver growled, stood up and picked up the wooden chair below, lifting it over his head. He violently struck Stalpus over the head, knocking him to the floor. He brought the chair down over his friend's head several more times, leaving him with a fractured skull and a fatal amount of lost blood. Antliver hurled the blood-stained chair to the floor, braking off two of its legs. He then proceeded to scavenge the house frantically for money. 10 minutes later, he located a hidden box under Stalpus's bed, upstairs. It had a bunch of coins and bills cluttered inside. He began to count the wages when he heard the door downstairs swing open. "Stalpus, honey, I'm hom... AHHHHHHHH!" she shrieked, as she discovered the lifeless body of her husband. Antliver heard her rushed footsteps as she ran into the kitchen below. Briefly afterward, she was breathing heavily, desperately trying to reach the police via telephone. Antliver knew that he wouldn't have much time before the police would arrive at the residence. He snatched up the money in a hurry, stuffing it into the pocket of his overalls. He bolted down the stairs, and snagged the computer monitor, ripping the cord out of the wall, in front of Stalpus's wailing wife, who was pressed up against the wall, terrified by Antliver's presence. With his hands full, Antliver kicked open the wooden front door, fracturing it at the hinges, and darted down the dirt road. After running for a few minutes, Mr. Antliver heard sirens wailing in the distance over his loud panting. They were getting louder so he veered off into an open field, covered in sweat and wheezing but still jogging forward. The sirens were getting louder and judging by their sound, Antliver knew they would be on top of him soon. He took a glance over his shoulder and saw a police car screech to a stop on the side of the road. An officer was already running after him. "Hey, you, stop right there!" the policeman exclaimed as he began to chase Antliver. Panting heavily, Antliver's stamina began to fade; he could barely hold the computer monitor any longer. He could hear the officer's footsteps getting closer and closer. Antliver knew he couldn't outrun the officer, so he turned around and smashed the officer with the computer monitor. It was a clean hit to the right shoulder that staggered the policeman, who then clutched his shoulder in pain. After recoiling sideways, Antliver delivered another heavy blow, this time to the head. The officer dropped to the ground and screamed but managed to pull out his pistol, firing a shot into Antliver's chest before he could bring the monitor down again. Antliver stumbled and fell over. He dropped the monitor to his side, gravely injured. His journal fell out of his pocket in front of him. With his last breaths, Antliver flipped to the page with the picture of Salikas, his love. "My baby... I will... never give... up... on... y..." Those were his last words, he never got to see his true love, his beautiful, sexy, 5-bladed beauty.

Why are black people afraid of chainsaws? Because chainsaws are potentially dangerous and could cause much harm if handled without prior knowledge of how to use them.

what did the lion say to the zebra? roar!

Chrissy is funny.

What did the T-rex say to the velociraptor? Dinosaurs are extinct.

Why did the guy not pet the dog? He was allergic.

A man walks into a bar and takes his seat. After a minute, someone shouts "133!" and this is followed by a couple of slight chuckles around the room. Later, "57!" is heard from the corner, followed by harsh laughter. After a while, someone shouts "66!" which is met by an uproar of uncontrollable laughter. The man, confused by the evening's events, asks the barmam what is going on. The barman explains, every joke has been told countless times so instead of reciting them, they are numbered and people call out the numbers. The man catches on to this, and therefore shouts "453!" which is followed by a deadly silence, because no one had heard that particular joke before, so 453 was just a number to them.

what do you call a dead black man? dead

why did the grandpa drop his big mak??? Because an army tank hit him

Q. What's louder than one dinosaur? A. A whole bunch of dinosaurs.

Your momma is so fat, that her doctor recommended that she goes on a diet in order to prevent early death caused by a heart problem.

Why was the boy rolling down the hill? Cause he's stupid

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat. Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So, he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?" "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children. "Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!" The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself. Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the Pledge of Allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?" "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!" So, Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears. "Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?" "Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff." "Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?" "It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is." "What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended." The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him. "Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?" "Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!" "What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!" So, Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened. "Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?" "Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!" "You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!" Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up. Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy." Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy." It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat." Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy." The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy." It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat." Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. 3 years ago Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy." The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy." Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But, he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy." Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy." It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But, he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. 3 years ago "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy." The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy." It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned. Moral of this story: Don't stand up in a boat.

What is the difference between a pizza and a Black guy? A pizza can serve a family of four.

I Used to be an Adventurer like you, Then I retired to achieve the top Anti-Joke.

Roses are red Violets are buckets This poem makes no sense Boobs

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Good friends enjoying a summer activity.

What do you call a black man standing on top of a church? bullshit!!

Knock knock Get off my porch.

What do you call a black man sitting on his porch in the middle of the night playing a guitar? A Musician.

What eats McDonalds for breakfast, lunch and dinner, annoys everyone around them, and could care less about anyone but themselves? The population of the United States.

what's the worst part of your kid dying the clean up

Jim and Dave walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll it be?" Dave is black.

What's worse than the holocaust? Finding a worm in your apple.

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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