A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager's heart skipped a beat, and he locked himself inside his office, trembling with fear and confusion. Yes, it was plausible that a beast such as this could point to a random entry on the menu, and it was physically possible for it to pull the trigger of the gun (and, at such close proximity to the waiter, it would be pretty hard to miss him), but it was shocking and altogether disturbing to hear such an animal speak in human language, much less vernacular English.

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Knock Knock. Who's there? The police. You're under arrest. The police you're under arrest who? Sir, if you don't open up the door we're going to have to open it ourselves. We have a warrant for your arrest. Sir if you don't open up the door we're going to have to open it ourselves we have a warrant for your arrest who? Sir we are authorized to use deadly force. If you don't comply we will shoot to kill. Sir we are authorized to use deadly force if you don't comply we will shoot to kill wh-

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How can you tell if your goldfish is male or female? Put some fishfood in the bowl, if he swims to the food it's a male, if she swims to the food it's a female.

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whats worse than finding a worm in your apple? not having an apple to find a worm im

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What did the milk say to the oatmeal? I came from a cow nipple.

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yo mamas so fat she weighs a lot.

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what did the comedian tell the audience? a joke.

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Why didn't the baby cry? It was stillborn.

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What has 4 legs and doesn't bark? A dead dog.

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Knock Knock And then I looked through the peephole and I saw it was the handyman that was going to fix my leaky sink so I opened the door

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What is less sanitary than eating food off of the ground? Anal sex.

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A man walks into a bar and says "hey bartender wanna help me out!" The bartender says "no."

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What is big, white, and hurts when it falls from the sky? A FRIDGE

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Bumper Sticker: I Brake for Stop Signs

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Did you hear about the cow that could fly? Me either

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What type of ruler lies? A shatter resistant one

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Your moms so poor that when she went to buy a bag of chips, she couldn't buy the bag of chips, because she didn't have enough money to buy the bag of chips

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What happens when you choke a smurf? Nothing, smurfs aren't real.

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what do you call cheese that isn't yours? Chuck Norris' Cheese

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Wow, so today is 9/11? Yes.

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Why did the prostitute survive the gunshot? She was wearing a bulletproff vest.

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How do you stop a clown from laughing? Drive an ax through its head.

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How do you confuse an idiot? By confusing an idiot.

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What do you call shark with no dorsal fin? Unused ingredients for soup.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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Anti-Joke Chicken

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