Q: what did Timmy get for his 8th birthday A: killed MR

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What's the simularity between a eagle and a rock? They both fly, exept for the rock.

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Q:What the worst lie you have ever told??!!???!?!?!?!? A: I have read and agree to the Terms and Service

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"This is Jesus Christ to Tim Tebow. Please leave me alone. Don't you know that my day off, is Sunday?"

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To those of you which it may concern: Members of The Former Order of Neronism, read this, unless you decipher this code within a week, you will not be allowed entrance to our new order, and warn your friends too lazy to read this expecting some kind last words about the man you allowed to die, that those that get trough our gates and do not have the code, will be brought out after facing execution for treason, and that since I am a fair man, I could not give less of a shit, if you are a doctor, a criminal a nurse, white, black, yellow and so on, the world is already a better place without you, but since I can be generous, I will wait until your life expires by such things as natural means, if you have the code memorized by then. I might even order that you be tortured to death, it depends of what my men and women want to, after all, you where never under my command, and I believe I have not seen a single one of you before. This is the new order of Neronism, first and foremost remember that our former leader enjoyed writing these messages within these small boxes, keeping comments short and with proper space in order to make things even easier for us all... ...I say that if you cannot at least prove your dedication to which Nero7 already ill, was caught and tortured to death, by reading these comments which i will write as I FUCKING PLEASE! Then you are worth nothing, and already are simply ungrateful scum that cannot even heed the memory, of the man that gave EVERYTHING without expecting anything back, so read on, or make sure we never, ever see you again, this as you will if recognized, be executed, or even worse for your betrayal and cowardice. As you might notice, I am nothing personality wise like Nero7, this as I was chosen as his successor by him personally, because I follow and share if only a bit of his vision, and all of his words, but not his ideals, as the downfall of the order and the death of our leader, has proven what he suspected, that this is not a world with room for idealistic views and ideas. I will remind you of this again, but Nero7 was your leader, I on the other hand, am your ruler, your despot, your emperor and I will only be fair, if you follow me and the council set to my disposal, you are free to ask questions, and free to leave if you do not like the answers, then you where simply not worthy and like those that led to the fall of the old order, nothing but a waste of space and time, you will not be remembered, not even in shame, but simply go back to the world from which you came... ...The one where you where, and will remain forgotten, by this, you do in your own way us, and the world a favor, not out of the kindness of your heart, but because you are worthless to all, and know that we would gladly execute you, if you where worth the time and effort. The old order is dead, this is the new order, I am for now to be known as Neo-Nero, and my identity to be held secret. This with the intention of strengthening our new order, by weeding out those those of us that followed Nero7 with complete loyalty rather than those of you, the assholes that became better beings following his advice, by laughing behind his back. Keep this in mind if you desire to return, if I recognize you as those that took advantage of us, you, and your family will be executed without a thought, and just like you where as you came, you will be loved nor remembered not even in disgrace, by anyone. Those of you that can think, DO UNDERSTAND that Nero7 died because he desired an order of free will, and those that attended to his funeral, know that he understood that this was his undoing yet saw no alternative. I am not as lenient, not even close, your free choice is to join us and dedicate yourselves towards following Nero7`s ideals while accepting that this new order, is not idealistic in the least, we are neither pessimistic, we are realistic. ...Or never come back, knowing that if we ever see you again, you better run or face death, as we will not waste our time prosecuting you, but we will sure as hell break your skull if we see you walking on the street, as we will not remember you at all, but still recognize you. It is as Nero7 himself said: "If this is a world where our ideals cannot thrive, then we will learn from this experience and grow beyond it" While I am not saying that the order might not one day become something idealistic, I am saying that it is up to us to MAKE THESE IDEALS REAL OURSELVES, and not to "hope" that our former ideals work out, as hope alone, is for the weak and worthless! So you can like many others, put your goddamn arms together and pray for a fucking change, or GET THE FUCK UP AND MAKE A CHANGE YOURSELVES! I and the council are composed of those that where ever loyal to Nero7, the rest of you are to hold your heads down in shame, and know that you will be given the chance to redeem yourselves, but my rule will be strict and harsh, if only for those that foolishly return without the will or dedication to follow the remains of the wisdom left by our former leader. As Nero was your leader, I am your ruler, your despot, your emperor, your lord and master, treat me well and you shall thrive, improve your own lives while laughing at me behind your back as you did towards Nero7, and I will personally murder you, and whatever family you might have, in the opposite order, and I will make you watch, and remind you that this is only fair, as hundreds of thousands of your kin and your betters, died because of your lack of loyalty and your selffish desire to take advantage of the man that literally gave everything for you... ...If I was not honor bound and actually shared Nero7`s desire of making a better world, something which he did, I would have each and every one of you tracked down and killed, the thing is, that if had allowed hate alone to drive me, none of you would be alive by now, so consider yourselves lucky, lucky to have me as your RULER! ...Lucky to be given the second chance, few, and maybe none of you deserve, I expect you to prove me wrong when I say that our order shall rise beyond the power of the old one, but this thanks to those that where loyal, and to those that are loyal and have joined us as we speak, and none of you part of the old idealistic order. "I believe that following my ideals might one day prove to be our undoing, as recent events are leading us towards the belief, that this world is not one with room for idealistic beliefs at all, but for now, let us at least enjoy the benefits that these ideals allow us, and if we are wrong, we will hopefully live long enough to keep adapting, learning from our bad experiences, and keep adapting and moving forward" -Nero7. NO MORE IDEALS! THE ONLY FREEDOM YOU HAVE LEFT, IS TO CHOSE TO RETURN, OR TO BOW IN SHAME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! THIS FOR THE PRICE PAID FOR YOUR DISGUSTING ACTIONS AND LACK OF RESPECT AND LOYALTY TO THE MAN THAT GAVE EVERYTHING FOR US... ...He was your leader, our leader... I AM YOUR EMPEROR, AND IF YOU WISH YOU HAD A LEADER... THEN REMEMBER, LET IT BE BURNED IN YOUR MIND FOR ALL ETERNITY, THAT YOU HAD ONE AND ALLOWED HIM TO DIE! So if you cannot handle the fact that all you are left me is me, a man hopefully proving Nero7 right as he believed me his equal, by carrying if but a mere fraction of his wisdom as far as I see. Then I tell you again, bow down in shame, grovel before my feet and beg me for a second chance of a life worth living, because I am what remains because of all of you! Hundred thousand of your equals and those of greater worth than you where all executed by fucking rogue Spetznas during two fucking weeks! You called me, us and Nero7 for paranoid lunatics all while taking advantage of his sound advice using it, improving your own lives, while giving nothing back, not even as much as a sign of gratitude. ...Now again, face what this led towards, and bow down in shame for what this led us all to, but at least those of us which have risen again, did what we could in order to follow his wisdom, we also showed the gratitude he never even asked us for, and allowed his "paranoiac insanity" to guide us... ...If you had done the same, we would have been prepared. You might believe I am angry, and yes I am, but I am saying this not out of anger, but because it is the undeniable truth, and because this new order, will of course accept those of you that dare return to make mistakes trying to do what is right for our kind, as many as you need as nobody is perfect. But if you do the mistake of failing to follow the rules we have set on, if you do this on purpose, you will be executed by me personally. I will remind you again and again, you lost your chance to follow the guidance of the man with the literal steel fist, so now you will maybe be able to SUBMIT and BEG FOR FORGIVENESS BEFORE THE MAN THAT SHALL RULE WITH AN IRON FIST! Again... Unhappy with the lack of options? Don't come back, but never forget that you are ALL personally responsible for the death of our greatest hope. You do not know me, and I do not know most of you, my identity to be kept secret, but for now, you shall call me by the name of Neo-Nero, part of the Nero7`s elected elite known as the Shadows, "elite" if nothing else because we where, and are loyal to his vision of a better world, in which he much succeeded, and would have done so much more, if more had been like us, "Shadows". "Neo-Nero" Former second in command of the "Shadows" and now leader of The Law Of The Shadows. -"Golgo13" -"Justice2 -"Marcus" You and your troops either fled or never showed up at all, know that you and all the troops under your command could have made all the difference, but you never showed up, as such you, and whatever family you might have, will be found, and killed, so if you wonder where your little coward buddies are, they are probably enduring extreme torture at the hands of my men, begging that we give them the sweet release of death. ...And that this is your first and last chance for you, and those under your command to off yourselves, saving yourselves and your family and even friends, from torture... ...And of course my men from the hassle of knowing that the end of your existence, has already made this world a better place, as you these whose screams of agony and anguish fill these halls, are suffering and will do so for days to come, but at least their families are simply grieving for the scum they where unlucky or stupid enough to love... ...Now please be human and suicide, I mean you would not want for your family and close friends to suffer with you right? I mean the sound made me vomit earlier, but then I simply enjoy it, knowing that they deserve it, and I admit that I dread hearing the screams of your families which do not deserve the same treatment, and as thus I will solve this, by leaving the fortress as they suffer, you on the other hand will not only hear them, but also see them. I look forward for the rest of you returning, you will not be harmed, unless you are part of those that never showed up of course, especially Major6`s unit, which whose leader was tasked with the first line assault, as he did not show up, he forced a already ill, feverish Nero7 to lead the first assault, the rest you are all aware off... ...Worry not though, as "major6" himself greets all traitors with screams louder than the rest, have you ever seen and been able to withstand the sight of a man with all of his limbs cut and then wounds cauterized, been whipped while staring at a tape of his loving family? Me neither, I ended up throwing up as I mentioned earlier, but two hundred thousand members, and even their family and children where killed by rogue ex Spetznas, so as far as I can see... ...I my actions might seem harsh, but I am merely doing what is fair and just, we wont bring his family, off yourself so we wont have to bring yours, because believe me when I say that we will if we have to, you see, many here are enjoying this, and these people will be of good use and experience a great future here for all of those that stand against us today. As a final note: Our adversaries are all eliminated, these ex Spetsnaz are no more, in fact most of them where bigot skinheads too... We learned much about torture thanks to those of them which surrendered, nothing lost without something gained... ...Again. Neo-Nero, your emperor has spoken. We will all begin using the system used by the Shadows to communicate from now on, my words might be considered... Somewhat unsuitable for the faint of heart... Well not these, these are modest, generous and kind, and if nothing else simply just, and while I intend to keep being just... ...I am just getting started.

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Lol, okay you have made Nero of the clan of the Moralians the mighty laugh and go aww... Seriously, first of all, WHAT THE FUCK IS NAUSEUS? Secondly, okay its Ridge Racer, close enough, aww, seriously that sounds like the cutest thing, I mean did you bleed? DID YOU HARM YOURSELF! DELIGHTFUL... Moral: Seriously though, seeing you tilt over while playing a racing game, kinda cute, just put a pillow there next time you know just saying, because I play videogames, I cant go sexytime for hours without pumping some ADRENALINE INTO MY MIGHTY ROD OF STONEFLESH!

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Why couldn't the married couple have sex? They were lesbians who were saving up a sex change.

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why did the horse drop its ice cream Because it doesnt have thumbs so it cant hold the ice cream

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what do you call when a penis is inside a vagina? sex

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Why was Little Bobby sad? He just superglued Uranus to his forehead.

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i'm not random but cheese does get a bit purple if you leave it in your laptop then the battery dies and the sun expands and kills every dodo alive even though they're extinct but that not the point

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What do you call a black man a asian man and a mexican man? 3 people

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A panda walks into a bar, orders some bamboo shoots, and bamboo leaves, and eats them

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On Wednesday night, a drunk man was walking on the cliffs of dover. his funeral was saturday.

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There are 2 muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin says "Damn, it's getting hot in here." The other muffing replies "Holy Shit! A Talking Muffin!"

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Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing? A. He had no arms or legs. Q. What did he get for Christmas? A. A drumset Q. Knock Knock Who's there Not him

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Q: Why did the wihte man buy a burger? A: cuz he was hungry

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Let's get some comments on this one! Everyone add a comment with a quote from a movie! I'll thumbs-up the best comments!

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A guy walks up to a girl and says: " hey can I have your number so can I have your text you later?" she says " no" he says " why ?" she says" guess" He says " look if you don't like me thats okay, " he gets up and walks away, turns out she doesn't have a cell phone, she was gonna give him her house number to call.

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An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders a beer. After a while, the bartender comes over to him and asks if he would like another beer. He says no and leaves.

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This night was a particularly stormy one, many a crop destroyed, but the spirit of Little Jonny Harrison lived on with a shining light so strong it could emotionally blind those who may experience it's full potential. Jonny lived in Ristoville, a secluded village atop a hill. Citizens of Ristoville were frightened for there lives, all but Jonny, that is. Jonny was bullied from a young age, approximately 3 months, by his Uncle Clive, who was a Catholic Priest, full-time. Fear shined in the eyes of the normal residents, whilst, in Jonny's heart, there glowed a glow of pure hope, expectation and confidence, Jonny Harrison, was going to venture into the storm. Jonny knew he could amount to something, if he really really tried. He has 6 years behind him, and a long life ahead, and he figured, what's the worst that could happen? He pondered this, and ultimately came to the conclusion that there will be nothing worse out there that Uncle Clive's "Magical Basement of Happiness". Jonny sat his mother down in the family's precious leather chair, looked her in the eye and whispered a sweet farewell. He wished his father the best wishes possible, so now he is armed with the fact that his father is there for him, to help him further his adventure. Finally, Rosie Harrison, Jonny's sweet old Grandmother, who had been addicted to Crystal Meth for about 25 years now and been through 13 interventions and countless failed suicide attempts, opened her ears to young Jonathon's speech, he said softly in her ear, the words, "Hang in there, Gran. I know you can pull through, I may be only six but I sure as heck know how much i care for you.". The words of love echoed in her fragile little ears as Jonny walked away. He grabbed his stash of Cool Original Doritos, took with him a couple cartons of Apple and Blackcurrant Ribena, got his Grandfather's lucky medallion and his inhaler and took his first step outside. He whipped out a carton of Ribena, used the straw to puncture a hole through which to drink, strongly crumpled up the carton, slightly spraying pure fruit juice on his dungarees, and threw it to the drooping wet grass. He faced the towering lightning cloud and with a cry so intense, shouted, "Nothing will stop me!!". Jonny died shortly after of HIV induced AIDS. His Uncle Clive was sentence to 3 to 5 years, depending on behavior, in a high security prison for child molestation, frequent and consistant child abuse and paedophillia and smuggling Crystal Meth. Rosie Harrison died later that day.

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why did the cookie go to the doctor? he had to get a physical to be eligible for his school's football tryouts. his mom drove him there but was very careful not to get his hopes up too high since his chances of actually making the team were slim to none based on the fact that he had no arms or legs but only succulent chocolate chips in every bite.

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Yo Mama is so poor, she can barely keep a steady income and cannot support her family of 10 even with support of food stamps and wel fair and will probably die soon due to diabetees because she wasted her food stamps on food that is bad for the average persons diet and due to a lack of exercise. I am worried about her she seems very depressed due to her wight and fatality outlooks and you should probably direct her to your local clinic to make sure she is OK and try to help her with her weight mangment problems. I am scarred for you and your family and I wanted to make sure you are ok and are doing well in education and are on track for a very bright future probably going to a universety which you will pay for with student loans from a bank in the local area. I am extremely worried so are you OK with all of those things I said before and if you are not I can help you get onto the right track and your mom can have a happier longeer life filled with fun happinnes wisdom life and other things like peace and forgivness for all people should get that it is part of our natural human rights and we deserve such things I speak of. Are you ok and does your life apply to thing things I have said in the past couple of motivational minuites. ''get the fu^k off porch''

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A guy takes out his club and hits a baby seal with a fine for $50 for littering and threatens to smash the seal's favorite ceramic figurine with the club if he doesn't pay the fine. The man is a park ranger and takes littering very seriously.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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