I saw 2 jews talking. I threw in a penny and watched them fight to the death. I did the same with 2 catholic preasts exept I threw in a baby boy

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“Ok, time for bed” … is what I said to the empty living-room. It was getting late, and the internet no longer amused me. I picked up my cell phone, rooted through the couch cushions until I located the remote, and turned off the television that had been nothing but background noise for the last few hours. I made sure the front and back doors were securely locked, walked around the back of the couch, and turned off the only light. A tap on the screen of my phone created just enough light to keep from busting a toe on an errant table leg. Because my cats have an evil tendency to lie in the middle of the hallway, I aimed the small amount of light from my phone directly in front of my tired and shuffling feet. I’d only covered a small distance before I knew, from many nights of this same regimen, that I was getting close to the bedroom door. At this point my arm started the slow upward arc that would eventually illuminate the now pitch-black opening to the comfort of my room. The light emanating from my cell was quite dim, and this action had become quite rote, so my arc was about waist level before I noticed a slight variation of the familiar black of the open doorway. At that point, and in a disturbingly short amount of time, five things happened nearly simultaneously: My arm, the arm carrying the phone, continued to rise in its predetermined arc, having been an object in motion which would stay in motion. I released a small gasp and exclaimed to my husband that his sudden appearance in the dark had startled the breath from me. I remembered that my husband was at work. The light arc reached its apex on a face of protruding nail-like teeth. A face suspiciously bereft of eyes, with a gaping, oozing, bloody pit where a nose should have been. The light went out.

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I know where you live. No seriously im looking at you through your window. 80% of you just checked. 90% of you didnt realize i just ended that statement with a question mark. 100% of you just checked gotcha

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What did the ant say when he walked in the club. . . Nothing he was immediately stepped on.

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What happened when the little girl said Bloody Mary 3 times in the dark? - She got her head smashed in the mirror, all of her intestines were neatly ripped out and was stabbed to death with No.2 mechanical pencils. Then her parents came home from dinner to find their daughter brutally killed in her own room. They notified police, opened a case and gave up after 12 years of searching for her killer. Both parents cried for the amount of years their daughter had been gone and they both decided to kill each other. The father raped the mom while slitting the back of her neck that led to her head being detached. Then the father left his pick up truck running and through his head toward the engine, which didn't really work. So he went back inside and watched Three and A Half Men.

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Why couldn't Sammy ride a Bicycle? -Because Sammy is a Fish

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I'm wet Ew you perv.. Stop thinking like that ! I just took a shower.

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How do you minimize the likelihood of theft? Take the derivative.

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How many blind men does it take to change a light bulb?

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What did the retard say to the other retard.. hey timmy how was work?

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Thats so awesome, I was totally not not going to tell you and when I saw I did not not type it I totally did it anyways, but why did it last even though stuff timed out? I am like so wet.

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Whats the first thing you do when your grandmother gets hit by a toaster? Buy a new toaster.

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TOP COMMENT IS MINE!

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"I see," said the deaf man, to the blind man, who had no ears.

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No, you think faster smarter and harder than everyone I know, you change and adapt faster for each day, sometimes I just think one has to stop asking oneself what makes one happy, and simply choose to be happy.

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A: What did the orphan get for christmas? Q: Nothing she doesn't have any parents

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A man walks into a doctor's office and says "Doc, I blacked out last night and have a sore ass." The doctor took some x-rays and informed him he had colon cancer.

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why was the giraffes head so far away from his body? because he has a long neck

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Hey man. what? squidbillies.

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Cool story bro. Tell it again.

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What did the virulent Homophobe do during the PRIDE national day of silence? He talked.

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whats funny about a jew burning? Nothing......

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What happens when your scared half to death...twice!!? Nothing, being scared half to death is an expression, you should not be fearing for your life.

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A man comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with his next-door neighbor. Furious, he shouts 'What's the meaning of this?!' And his wife answers 'A pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing close at hand or being indicated or experienced'.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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