- Anti Joke

what gets louder as it get smaller? a baby in a blender

Don't tell anyone, the Health Department is already on our backs.

An old friend of mine had an idea. "Socks, but for your hands." I laughed until the day I heard he died of chaffed penis.

Why does a man have a closet full of fruits? Because he has a mental illness and there is nothing to laugh about.

Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead.

I live in a very rural area, so it's not easy to just go to the store and pick something up. I try to find out how to do things with the stuff I have on hand, so I Googled spot remover, but there are only pictures of stain cleaners. Please help. Spot has rabies.

In soviet russia, the cow milks you!

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender looks at his watch as if he was expecting this guy. The guy says he'll take a shot of whiskey. The guy takes a shot and says "What do I have to do to get another free shot of whiskey". The bartender says "Tell me joke." The guy says "I don't have any." The bartender says "I got one, which came first the chicken or the egg?" The guy says "The rooster" The bartender says "That was terrible." The guy then says "I'll bet you I can tell you the craziest story you'll ever hear. If I win, I get a free whole bottle of whiskey." The bartender says "Okay" The guy says "When I was a little girl..." The bartender says "Hold on, oh wait I thought you were a...never mind, continue.." The guy says "Don't interrupt me. Alright, we'll start from the beginning. When I was a little girl, I never knew who I was or where I came from. I was brought up in an orphanage never really knowing who my parents were. The nurses at the orphanage told me I was dropped off there by some unknown stranger. They gave me a name and named me Jane." The guy continues "I always envied children with parents. As I grew older I knew I was different, that I was not like every other girl." The bartender sparks up his cigarette and gives one to the guy. The guy goes on and tells his story "So growing up in school I didn't make any friends. I was the smartest kid in class and the other girls would bully me but I fought back. I was tough and nobody could beat me in a fight, I would even fight with boys." The guy puts out his cigarette and continues "During the end of high school the teachers didn't know what to do with me. I mean I was smart and athletic but I was always getting in trouble. So one day they decided to put me in a space program to be an astronaut. It was something I really wanted to do. So I trained and I was the best from all my peers ." The bartender says "Here's another shot of whiskey, It's on me." The guy says "Thank you." and continues and says "Then one day everything changed. As I was in school in college I bumped into a guy. He told me I was beautiful. I told him no one has ever said that to me before. I never understood love or anything like that. However, this guy was the greatest and I fell in love with him. It's like he knew everything about me and can read my mind. We dated for quite awhile and then one day he just left. I never saw him again." The bartender asks "Did you love him?" The guy says "I did, but now I hate him for destroying my life. He left me and I was pregnant and living by myself. Later, after 9 months I gave birth to a baby girl. Then the doctor came up to me after a deep sleep. He told me the worst news I ever heard. First he said someone stole my baby. I couldn't believe it. Then the problems were even worst. He told me that he found out I had both male and female sex organs. He said giving birth destroyed my female organs from all the bleeding and they had to perform an operation to save my life. However, now I have to grow up to be a man." The bartender says "Woah, that's crazy." The guy says "Yes, it was terrible, I had gone through 3 major operations and given hormones. Slowly turning me into man, I had know idea how to be a man as I grew up as a girl. It was a very difficult life, I didn't get a good job, dropped out of the space program, no education, and worked crappy jobs and became a drunk." The bartender says "Oh, that was a crazy story. Well you win the bet, here's your bottle of whiskey." The guy says "Thanks. Damn I would do anything to beat the hell out of the man who destroyed my life." The bartender says "What would you do if you found this man? The guy says "I'd beat him to death!" The bartender says "What if I told you, I can bring this man who destroyed your life right in your very hands." The guy says "Is this some kind of joke?" The bartender says "No, this is real. I can bring him to you." The guy says "Are you some kind of cop or something." The bartender says "Something like that, John. You told me your female name was Jane, but you never told me your male name, it's John right?" The guy says "How did you know that? Have you been following me? I'll kick your asss." The bartender says "Hold on, you want to know where the man who destroyed your life is right? I can bring him to you." The guy says "Okay, what do I have to do?" The bartender says "Come with me." They both go down the basement of the bar and the bartender picks up a violin box with numbers and dates. The guy says "What are you going to do, play a song for me? The bartender says "I work for an agency to help stop crimes before it starts. This box right here is a time machine." The guy says "Bullshitt" The bartender says "Trust me. Hold this and close your eyes." POOF!!!!! They both travel back in time, about 12 years. The bartender says "You recognize this place? This is your school. If you can find the man who made you pregnant and kill him, all your problems will be over." So the guy goes up to the school looking for the man who messed up his life. Then one day he bumps into a girl. The girl says "Sorry." The guy says "No it's my fault, The girl says "Are you lost or something?" The guy says "I'm just looking for this man." As soon as the guy turns around he sees himself/herself for the first time. It is her! The guy says "Oh my god, you are much beautiful than I expected." The girl says "Wow, no one has ever told me that before. Hi, my name Jane." The guy says "My name is John." After a few dates John and Jane both fall in love and suddenly one day John disappears and Jane never sees him again. John sees the bartender again and says "You son of a bitchh! You tricked me!" The bartender says "Sorry, it was inevitable. Now that you know who she is and who you are, maybe you will know who I am." John says "What are you saying?" The bartender says "John, Jane is pregnant. And 9 months from now I am going to steal your baby because I want the baby to have a better life. I will bring the baby to the time machine and drop her off at an orphanage." John says "Why are you doing this?" The bartender says "Because I'm not really a bartender. You see, I know that you love Jane...but I love her too." John says "Who are you?" The bartender says "I am you. 12 years from now you are going to meet a bartender who will take you back in time. After you become a writer, you will work for an agency to help stop crime before it starts. Then more years will pass you will disguise yourself as a bartender and you will meet yourself" John says "No, this not true!" After many years later...a guy walks into a bar...

I have an erection My mom!

Why did Jerry Sandusky appeal his conviction? Because the judge wrongly considered inadmissible evidence.

Why was the dyslexic cowboy crying when he came into school that day? He had chronic diarrhea.

What's another name for asexual reproduction? Parthenogenesis.

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Green paint.

I think everybody should have a penis. Does that make me a bad feminist?

Did you hear about the boy with the treehouse? He caught his mom cheating on his dad in there.

Quarters look shiny, Brass beats Copper, Dish is better, So enjoy the hopper. DIrect TV, is forever alone. Kinda like you, when your on your phone!

Why did the chicken cross the road? This website is terrible. Are you servers from 1990? I hope you all get cancer.

What's the difference between a Chinese guy and a bucket of fried chicken? There are numerous differences.

Why would it matter if they believed such a thing? Are you trying to screw me over? You know that I am very competent at making myself seem like a total jackass myself right? You got a point, it is not my role to help others in life, I just guess I enjoy repairing others, it sure is a hell lot easier than repairing myself, I just enjoy repairing things I can repair I suppose, now using them as my henchmen that's just worthless. The way I see it, people that wage wars, control others, indoctrinate them, and/or accumulate great sums of wealth to the point where, well its pointless, are all just overcompensating, trying to make up for something that they cannot repair within themselves. It is only natural, I mean we humans, if we lack something, we get a lot more of something else. Thanks, you are right about that whole "soul incident" as I call it, it is strange how people often seem to know each other a lot better than they know themselves, I mean I could at any time choose to quit, to become like others, to surrender my individuality, to "give up my soul" or rather the essence of what makes us unique. But you know, ill rather die than live as a servant for a society many would say I never truly learned to understand. Truth is, I will never accept it, if true strength stops arriving from within, its because people choose to seek it from others, the day I require the approval of others in order to sustain myself, ill off myself, that's not a real definition of existence as far as my opinion goes. I mean what are we worth to ourselves, if we become beings that base our so called value on what others think about us? We should focus on becoming those that spread joy and inspire others, rather than to seek inspiration and joy from others. Why? Because its a win win scenario, you cannot spread joy if you got none, you cannot inspire others if we have no inspiration, I guess you can fake it, sometimes until it becomes real, but that is mental-ism and not ideology (not that they are complete opposites, and if they are not opposites, they can work as a synergy) I guess I had forgotten about that, tell yourself that you are great enough, and you become great, excuse me, I am dead tired, its been hours, say, how are you doing?

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H20." The second one says "why did you come to the bar if you're just going to have water?" and orders a beer.

A Muslim, a Buddhist, and a Christian are on a plain. They have to jump off for some reason. The Muslim straps a bomb to his chest, jumps out of the plain, and screams "AHLA AKBAH"!!!! The Buddhist jumps out and says save me heavenly Buddha. A giant golden hand catches him and lightly places him on land. The Christian says "aw hell with this" and jumps out, then says "save me heavenly Buddha". The giant golden hand places him down gently on land. The Christian then says "thank god". The giant golden hand comes back down and kills him.

oh hai

An old jew, an irish man, and a young mexican woman in her mid 20's are on an island. They eventually become hungry to a extremely ravishing extent. The jew cries out: "I can't take the thought of consuming man, because I am only allowed to consume kosher" The Mexican says: "Alright" The Irishman says: "O.K. Until then lets head over to Timilio's... I hear they are a fine establishment and also serve Kosher meals."

whats the difference between a mexican and a bench? a beanch can support a family

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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